"You look way too young to have been married ten years. You must have gotten married when you were just kids."
Yes, yes, I know. Dan and I have good genes. And we didn't get married right out of high school, by the way. We didn't even get married right out of college.
As my brother said at one time, lamenting the fact that he had not yet found "the right girl," "I'll just have to wait until I'm old to get married . . . kind of like you did." Ultimately, he married a wonderful person.
Dan and I weren't that old when we married anyway. We were in line with the national average at the time. By Idaho standards though, we were considered ancient. (For Idaho women, the average marrying age is 23.4, the second youngest age in the nation. Yikes!)
I guess the real question is, how happy has our marriage been these ten years? And the answer is . . . very happy.
I can just hear the counterarguments.
"Well, Becky, if my husband talked as little as your husband, I'd have a happy marriage too."
Let me set the record straight. Dan talks a lot . . . to me. We are both oldest children. Believe me. We know how to stand up for ourselves. We are both stubborn. We are both certain that we are one-hundred-percent right about everything at all times. Our home is very vocal.
"Well, Becky, you and Dan live a very comfortable life without many challenges."
That is not true. During our first year of marriage, my mother died. And a few years later, my father remarried, and our family structure completely changed early in our marriage. We have dealt with the death of loved ones in other capacities throughout our marriage. And just last year, a cold case from my college days was solved, dredging up lots of old emotions from an extremely traumatic time. A few months ago, Dan had a bit of a health issue that at the moment was frightening but in the end turned out alright. So Dan and I have gone through "stuff" over the years.
Not to mention, Dan lost two wedding rings within the first couple of weeks of our marriage. Now some people would take that as a sign of doom and destruction. But not us. We thought it was hilarious. And here we are, ten years later.
So like any young, arrogant couple, we feel wise enough to share our secrets to a happy marriage. (In other words, we'll probably be much wiser in another twenty years. But right now, we think we know everything.)
1. If your spouse is a computer genius, give him/her all your passwords.
Last night, I told Dan I changed the pass code to my school's iPad.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I can't tell you. It's a secret."
"I have to know all your passwords so that I can fix stuff for you."
He was right. Having a computer geek spouse who can prevent you from throwing the latest technologies against the wall makes for a very happy marriage.
2. Don't have kids.
CRINGE. I can already hear the nasty comments. And for some of you, it's too late, and your family is probably very happy. But children complicate things, including marriage. I am sure Dan and I could still be happy with kids (if my birth control stops working for some sad reason), but we don't have to test that theory right now. It doesn't mean everyone has to make the same choice, and maybe having kids made your marriage happier. So stop! Step away from the send button.
3. Move out of your parents' house way before you marry. Move out of your parents' town if possible.
Uh oh. Here is another controversial one, especially in Idaho. Things have changed since I was eighteen. I realize that nowadays this is not always economically feasible.
But in my house, here were the expectations. You graduate from high school; you leave home at eighteen; you work or go to school out of town and learn how to live on your own; you are completely financially independent by the time you graduate from college if not earlier.
Dan's path was the same. By the time we got married, we both knew how to pay our own bills, create a budget, cook for ourselves, go grocery shopping, and do laundry. That's not to say it never works any other way. But boy, it made that ultimate adult transition into marriage so much simpler for Dan and me.
Again, step away from the send button!
4. Have your own hobbies. You don't have to do everything your spouse does.
Dan and I are happy because we maintained a certain level of independence. He plays video games while I rehearse for the latest production. I stay at home and read or write while he goes snowboarding. We are supportive of one another too. When I got viral laryngitis a few months ago during a production, Dan offered to help out backstage, something he typically would avoid like the plague. But he knew my absence would cause some holes in the production, and spouses support each other in sickness and in health.
Those are my keys to a happy marriage after ten years. This list will probably change in another ten years. Please don't say, "The real key to a happy marriage is to have God as your foundation" because all I hear is "blah, blah, blah, cliché."
Step away from that send button!
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