I Can't Smile With My Mouth Closed

Friends, I can't smile with my mouth closed. A little while ago, my husband, Dan, and I updated our driver's licenses to the Star Card, and I came to the realization that I probably should stop smiling in my license photos. 

 

That's difficult for me. I have been conditioned to flash a toothy smile (and strike a pose) every time I'm near a camera.

In other words, "Smiling's my favorite," to quote one of my favorite Christmas movies. 

(It's Elf, by the way. If you didn't know that, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?)

 

I knew the DMV only allows closed-mouth smiles, so I practiced in the mirror that morning. I thought I looked pretty good. Then I got my picture taken and ended up looking like a crazed soccer mom. And I don't have any children.

 

 

I knew what my picture looked like immediately because the DMV gave us temporary copies to take home until our real IDs arrived. 

 

"I look like a crazed soccer mom," I said. 

 

"Here's mine," Dan said.

 

I glanced at his and said without thinking, "You look like a serial killer." 

 

"You don't look like a crazed soccer mom, and I don't look like a serial killer."

"Wait, what? Did I say that out loud?" I said, realizing Dan was actually kind of proud of his photo, and he didn't want to look like a serial killer on a government issued form of identification.

 

 

"Also, should I have changed my height to five-three?" I asked, changing the subject. "I'm not really five-two." 

"Aren't you five-two and a quarter?"

 

"Five-two and a half."

"I think it's close enough." 

 

 

I know you were all dying to see my new crazed soccer mom look instead of this Bitmoji. Nice try. I'm not publishing my driver's license because you might be an identity thief lunatic. How do I know? 

 

You'll just have to take my word for it. The photo above is a much more flattering reproduction because . . . I can't smile with my mouth closed. Why would I want to? My teeth are nice and white, albeit slightly crooked in a quirky way. I might as well enjoy them while I still have them.

 

 

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