Funniest Things I Heard This Week

Every year around this time, I write a hilarious post about my first week of school. There are two reasons for this: a) When the going gets tough, it's nice to be able to remind myself why I do what I do and b) I am usually strapped for time at the beginning of the school year, and the material writes itself (and is endless).

Usually, a few weeks before school starts, I have this recurring nightmare where I lose control of my students, and I start throwing erasers and Expo markers at them.

Full disclosure: I have been teaching music for seventeen years and have never once thrown anything at my students. Please don't email me.

This year, in place of the poor classroom management nightmare, I dreamt that several rattlesnakes were attempting to enter my room via an open window, while the custodian and I battled them with a broom.

(In reality, none of the windows in the music room open, thank God!)

I am pretty sure the rattlesnakes were just a manifestation of my anxiety, but the Illustrated Dream Dictionary (a gift from a friend who found my nighttime hallucinations fascinating) insists that rattlesnake dreams mean "someone you trust is going to let you down."

Dreams about snakes in general mean "you are a slave to your sexual passions." I don't think this dictionary is telling me the truth.

As soon as I started dreaming about rattlesnakes, I decided it was time to get into my classroom and prepare for the year. I was relieved to see everything was snake-free.

And as soon as the children returned, everything was hilarious again. Here are some of the funniest things I heard during my first week back to school.

MONDAY:
I heard a student helping a new student find her way to the bathroom (which happens to be right next to my classroom—lucky me).

"Are you going number one or number two?" she asked the new student.

"Huh?"

"You know, number one or number two?"

I also heard a teacher tell her class, "Let's save the flossing for outside."

 

Welcome back, everyone!

TUESDAY:
At the end of the day, I saw a former student who was picking up his little brother.

"Your eyebrows are on point," he said. "I just got mine done."

"You know, this is not the first time I have been told that," I said.

WEDNESDAY:
"I love music!" exclaimed one of the new second grade boys, after we sang our school song. "Just sayin' . . ."

Another new first grader shouted, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" after I finished playing a song on my guitar.

He was so excited, he couldn't say anything else. He just kept making guitar gestures for the rest of the afternoon.

THURSDAY:
A kindergartner told me his name was SpongeBob.

FRIDAY:
My third graders tried to guess my age as they do every year. They ask me how old I am. I tell them I am 105 years old. Some of them kind of believe me. Others say, "NO!" and try to guess my age.

This year, one kid guessed I was in my fifties. Another asked if I was seventy.

One little girl said, "Nah, she looks like my grandma . . . I bet she is in her thirties."

A grandma in her thirties? Oh well, I'll take it.

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