I Don't Speak Teenager Anymore

So there I was, sitting at a coffee shop, perusing the Internet and Facebook for humor blog material. I found that after two weeks back to school, I needed a little help in the funny department.

I quickly discovered current event humor was few and far between, mostly crazy political conventions and crazy education superintendents (Idahoans, you know what I'm talking about). And Kristen Stewart hasn't cheated on anyone since July. Of course, Clint Eastwood did a bit with an empty chair this week - funny in a senile way, but old news by now. And I've been meaning to blog on Chick-Fil-A for - like - two months, but that's kind of old news too. (Just a hint - not a fan of the franchise. Shakin' my fist, shakin' my fist.)

All of a sudden, I heard it reverberate from the table next to mine. I'm still not sure what it was, but it sounded a lot like, "Acck yack pedakt reafent ubbege?"

And the response was, "Acck yack fegakt pearickle cudgegge."

I surreptitiously turned my head to check out the source of this bizarre but seemingly human chatter, half expecting to see a Klingon seated behind me. I started to Google "Klingon Translator," but I soon ascertained that this strange talk was actually a language as foreign to me as any of the alien dialects on sci-fi movies - Teenager.

I don't know when I lost my ability to understand Teenager. It must be a gradual process. One day you wake up, and all of a sudden, Teenager sounds like, "Acck yack fegakt pearickle cudgegge."

I spent all summer working with teenagers, and many of my former students are now teenagers (and Facebook friends). When these teens speak directly to me, I can still understand them. In other words, our youth must be the more evolved segment of the human population - able to communicate fluently in both Adult and Teenager.

I completely missed the MTV Video Awards this year, although I am confused as to where people see music videos anymore. Must be that newfangled "YouTube" thingy or something. Just another clue I am no longer part of the youth demographic.

At some point, these teens at the table next to mine took a break from their native tongue and said something I could understand.

"I just don't know what he wants on that assignment!" one of them said. She had sparkly eyelids.

"I know, and I asked him when I needed it memorized, and he said, 'Yesterday,'" her friend said. She wore a ponytail on top of her head. They were wearing matching red shirts. "That doesn't tell me anything."

I smiled at the adult humor that was causing these teenagers such affliction.

I almost leaned over and said, "That's pure awesomeness."

But I didn't. Here is a little advice to my adult friends. Don't try to talk Teenager. You might think you still know the language. Trust me - you don't.

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