Ten Things I Don't Care About This Week

 

It's crazy what will pass for news these days. Here are ten of the most pertinent headlines about which I don't care:

1. Kristen Stewart Cheated on Robert Pattinson 
Who are these people anyway? Are they that famous that I should care about their relationship ins and outs? She's twenty-two. Most people's love lives are disasters at twenty-two. Is it realistic to believe that she had already found her soul mate in Pattinson at such a young age? People make stupid choices in their early twenties. The real question is, what's up with a forty-one-year-old director cheating on his beautiful family with a young twenty-something, a child compared to his middle-aged butt? Men . . .

2. Celebrities' Reaction to Aurora Massacre at Some Dumb Red Carpet Event
I don't want to hear a bunch of celebrities in designer gowns lament the Aurora shooting. I want to hear an intelligent conversation about gun regulations, and I want to know what is being done to guarantee our safety as American citizens. And please don't make me sit in a dark theater surrounded by a crowd of untrained NRA-card-holding civilians packing firearms.

3. Man in China Loses Penis in His Sleep
Police think his multiple jealous lovers are the culprits. Enough said.

4. Demi Moore is Dating Another Man
She has been seen out and about with another actor, a decade her junior. And this is news because . . .

5. Twitter Outage on Thursday, July 26
Not only did Twitter go down for a few measly hours, but the reports on the blackout were updated every thirty minutes. And then it was fixed. Technology not working properly? Inconceivable! Read a book, go for a bike ride. I'm sure you have better things to do.

6. Lindsay Lohan Involved in Her 5412th Car Accident
She's still around? And she has a car?

7. Special Privacy Screens Installed at San Francisco Library
Now visitors can view pornography in private. According to one frequent library-goer, "lots" of pornography-viewing was going on there. I'm not judging. I just don't care.

8. The Jackson Dysfunctional Family Disputes
All I have to say is that I'm glad my family doesn't have twenty-four-hour security cameras. I already expose enough of my neuroses in this blog. Nobody wants to see the number of times I act erratically throughout my day.

9. John Noble from Fringe Suffers From a Sleeping Disorder
The man who plays Walter Bishop on one of my favorite TV shows is "not sleeping well." Me neither. Add night terrors to my list of my neuroses. During the calm times of my life, I have night terrors about once a month. During the stressful times, I have them about once a week. I'm surprised the neighbors don't call the police when they hear blood curdling screams coming from my house at 1:00 a.m.

10. I Don't Care That Snooki is Pregnant
I care even less that she dreamed that her baby turned into Chucky and tried to kill her. I have this dream at least every other night. (Please refer to my sleeping issues in #9.) I blame it on the Corky Doll from the late eighties.

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