National Duggan's European Vacation, Episode #4: A Parallel Universe

NOTE: Dan and I were in London the day Mark Duggan was shot. We watched the report on the morning news from our hotel room. We flew out of the U.K. the day before the riots broke. Though I am writing a humor piece, I do not want to disregard the tragedy, desperation, and - frankly - social injustice that results in such violence. My heart goes out to all those affected by the London riots.

Traveling to the United Kingdom (and Ireland) was a bit like entering a parallel universe, or what I imagine entering a parallel universe to be, my reference to parallel universes being limited to the television show, Fringe. The culture and the language were familiar but slightly tweaked. We could communicate and relate to the world around us, but everything felt a little alien. The characters on Fringe call the parallel universe "Over There." Dan and I returned home, the U.K and Ireland now our (much beloved) "Over There."

Tour books try to prepare you for the culture shock. We knew, because we obsessively research our travels, that the bathtubs were elevated, and the hotels rarely provide washcloths. We knew about the different outlets and voltage. We knew soccer is actually "football" and going to the bathroom equals going to the "loo." But reading and experiencing are two different things. Here are some of the interesting observations we made during our vacation, I mean, "holiday." (These reflections by no means capture an entire country and its culture. After all, we were only there for two weeks.)

Signs:

• Yield signs read "Give Way"
• Exit signs read "Way Out"
• In case of fire, use stairs = an icon of a little panicked cartoon man running, exactly what we're told not to do in case of fire

Restaurants:

• Ordering food to go = "take away"
• Often in more casual eateries (think delis with pre-made sandwiches, etc.), "dining in" costs extra.
• In Ireland, we noticed that the hosts/hostesses ask, "Are you okay?" which translates to "Two for dinner?"
• The servers don't bring the check before you finish your meal and rush you out the door like they do in American restaurants. That was kind of refreshing. They wait for you to ask for your "bill" (as opposed to check). This tells them that you are ready to leave.

Other parallel universe attributes:

• In the U.K. and Ireland, they drive on the left side - still weird even if you've been told over and over that this is the case.
  
• Standing in line = Standing in "queue"
• They talk funny, or maybe we do. (The Australians on our tour had a hard time understanding us Americans, but understood the Brits, Scots, Welsh, and Irish just fine.)
• The outlets in the hotel bathrooms were only for shavers.
• Tire is sometimes spelled "tyre" (at least in Ireland).
• Low-power dryers, rather than paper towels, were the hand-drying apparatus of choice in the "toilets" (as opposed to restrooms).
• I never found an auto flush in the U.K. or in Ireland.
• Flyers explaining various components of socialized medicine popped up in the "loo" stalls.
• Some of the hotel-provided blow dryers looked like mini vacuums mounted to the walls.
• A switch had to be flipped to turn on the electrical outlets.
• Pickpocketing seemed to be more prevalent than mugging.
• The bank notes were different sizes and didn't fit in Dan's American wallet.
• Tax was included in the price at stores; no math was required to figure out the actual payment due.
• Cream or custard was poured over every dessert. (I fully embraced this tradition.)

The customs officials in the U.K. seemed a lot friendlier than in the U.S. When we came back to the States, the official was very serious, militaristic even. But upon entering England:

"How do you two know each other?" the British official asked.
"We're married."
"To each other?" Then he chuckled heartily. "Just a little joke."
As we left, he called after us, "Buy a lot while you're here because when you go back, your dollar won't be worth much."
And that turned out to be quite prophetic.

National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #1
National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #2
National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #3