A Brief Exposition on My Grocery Shopping Habits

I am a rather unusual grocery shopper. Not only am I extremely neurotic, but I often suffer from open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome. I try to keep this ailment in check most of the time except when I get behind a grocery cart.

Before going shopping, I make a list every week from my monthly menu grid which is color-coded according to the season. I then number each item in the order of the supermarket aisles, and I put a dot next to the items for which I have coupons. I draw a cloud around some of the produce items. The clouds mean that those particular fruits and vegetables are traditionally the most pesticide-ridden and that I need to buy the organic versions. After I am sufficiently organized, the fun begins.

Here is my "grocery list" of some of my most infamous remarks during the weekly act of supermarket hilarity.

1. "See those strawberries? They are much redder because they have pesticides all over them." (I saw a fellow shopper put down the carton he was holding as I loudly made this remark.)


2. "Should I start dressing older now that I’m getting gray hair?" I asked my husband, Dan, as he bagged (organic) apples. Of course, I was standing by the bananas which were at the opposite end of the aisle. In other words, not only did I ask Dan this question, but I asked it of all the other Saturday grocery shoppers as well.


3. "Think again!" I said, giving my husband "the teacher look" as he tried to sneak donuts into the cart.


4. Dan always wants to “help," but when I send him after fresh ginger and crackers, he will say, “Ginger is not really on the way to the crackers.” My husband is a shortest distance between two points type of person. He doesn't like to backtrack.
   
   One week, I finally said to him (I think I remember my own mother saying this to me when I would "help" her with the grocery shopping), “You said you’d go all over the store for me. So I’m sending you all over."


5. "Fine, I won’t buy tortillas!" I said, tears welling up in my eyes. "Why does everything contain partially hydrogenated oil?"


6. "See if you can find any - " I paused, glanced around warily, and lowered my voice, " - Fair Trade spices."
   
   "Why are you whispering?" Dan asked.
   
   "So people won't think I'm liberal. We are in Idaho, after all."


7. "Should I buy these biodegradable tampons and pads? They cost more than Tampax and Stayfree, but they are packaged with less plastic."
   
   It was the first time Dan refused to acknowledge my existence as I followed him around the produce aisle, my arms overflowing (no pun intended) with three large cardboard boxes of feminine hygiene products.
   
   "Why won't you answer me?" I asked him.
   

There you have it. If you hear someone making odd, random statements during your weekly trip to the supermarket, look down the aisle. You could be witnessing the grocery shopping habits of one of your favorite bloggers . . . me.