Dear Airline That Will Fly Me to Europe This Summer,
I like to read on planes. I don't like to meet new people. I don't even like to talk to my husband when I'm on an airplane. Flying is the one time in my life that I have an uninterrupted chunk of time to read. And since I will be flying to Europe, that chunk of time should be nice and long.
You already force me to sit for hours in a seat with arm rests that fit snugly around my waist, to sit for hours with so little leg room that any slight adjustment in my crossed legs or posture feels like a cataclysmic event to the people in front of me. (And keep in mind, I'm only five-foot-two.) You force me to relieve myself, after pouring cranberry juice down my throat, in a closet that has been known to test positive for E. coli, fecal bacteria, and H1N1. And the water in said closet? Also occasionally E. coli-ridden.
I will put up with all of those less than comfortable aspects of flying as long as you let me read.
Therefore, here is my one request - please don't put me next to these passengers:
Elderly man who served in World War II
He spent the entire trip telling me his life story, very interesting too I must admit, but it wasn't in a book. And like I said, I want to read when I fly. Whenever I would attempt to open my book, he would pull out another family photo from his carry-on bag and tell me a story about his kids, his (deceased - which was sad) wife, or the war. When we were taking off, he told me that if a pilot doesn't lift off within forty-five seconds of hitting the throttle, then that's it. You're dead meat. I now have him to thank for my recently-developed, debilitating anxiety during lift-off.
Loud or crying child who kicks my seat the entire ride
Enough said . . . Sorry parents with young children.
Agitated man who takes his frustration out on loud or crying child
Until airlines have a baby/small child section, I have to accept the fact that children will be loud, children will cry, and children will kick the back of my seat, through no fault of their own or their parents.
One man I got stuck next to was already agitated when I crawled over him to get to my seat. This was before they told us the plane was delayed in taking off because of a fuel pump indicator light. When the attendant announced this, the man went ballistic - growling, squirming, sighing in exasperation.
We happened to have several children seated around us, and every time one of them squealed, he would shift his position and let out a long, deep, pointed breath.
Eventually, he muttered, “Shut up!” just loud enough so that I could hear him, but he apparently was not gutsy enough to confront the kids or parents.
He was reading My Life by Keith Richards, but he was so busy groaning and rolling his eyes that I don't know how much Rolling Stones debauchery he actually absorbed.
At the end of the plane ride, one little girl in front of us stood up on her seat, turned around, and said “hi” to him. He said “hi” back to her, through gritted teeth. Even he couldn't resist responding to her toothy grin.
A couple of minutes later, he was on the phone with his mother, and his attitude changed tremendously.
“Hi Mom," he said in a soft, syrupy voice. "The plane just landed. See you in a bit.”
I wondered if the inevitable, upcoming visit with Mom was the true source of his agitation.
In conclusion, Airline That Will Fly Me to Europe, all I ask is that you allow me the simple pleasure of reading. If you can't guarantee my bags will arrive on time or that I will have time to eat a proper meal during my layover or that I will be able to lean back in my seat without sending someone's gin and tonic sprawling into his/her lap, at least allow me to read in peace.
Sincerely,
Becky Duggan
National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #2
National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #3
National Duggan's European Vacation Episode #4
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