The Adventure of the Malfunctioning Smoke Alarms

My husband, Dan, and I shouldn't be allowed to adult. 

 

We've never replaced our smoke detectors, and we've been living in our house for over 18 years. That’s close to twice as long as smoke detectors are supposed to last.

 

We're not very good at home stuff. 

 

I know now that you should replace your smoke detectors at least every ten years thanks to Google . . . and thanks to our malfunctioning smoke alarms adventure.

 

It began last spring. Dan was (and is still) working from home. After the house cleaners left every other week, Dan opened the windows and ran the fans per the suggested COVID protocols at the time. 

 

Soon after, all of the smoke detectors would start going off. This usually happened while Dan was in an online meeting with Korea or India. He tried taking out the batteries. That worked for about a half hour. Then the alarms went off again. 

 

"It was so disturbing," Dan said. "I could feel my heart racing. I think I jumped out of my chair." 

That's quite a reaction for my stoic, go-with-the-flow husband.

 

I experienced this phenomenon one day during spring break last year. It was one of the most frightening sounds I've ever heard.

 

He started turning off the circuit breaker to the alarms to get through the work day. For obvious safety reasons, I would not recommend this as a long term solution.

Eventually, he quit opening the windows and running the fans, and he changed the batteries in the alarms that were chirping. This seemed to work for a while.

 

Until one night a couple of weeks ago . . . 

Both of us were sleeping soundly, which hasn't always been the case this past year.

 

 

Around midnight, I was jolted out of my sleep by a chirp that had made it into a dream I was having. I lay still for a moment and heard the chirp again. 

I punched Dan and told him to listen. The detector chirped again, and Dan got up and changed the battery. Thinking all was well, we went back to sleep.

 

Suddenly, all the alarms were blaring at once. 

 

We jumped out of bed and ran around the house, half asleep, not quite sure what was happening. 

 

"WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS? YOU JUST CHANGED THE BATTERY! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" I yelled. 

 

Dan pulled the detector off the ceiling, also not recommended, and the screaming alarms stopped.

That weekend, Dan replaced all of the detectors. We wore earplugs just in case.

So far, it seems to have worked, but we are extra sensitive to strange sounds now. 

 

We were watching the news the other night, and one of the anchors was on a zoom call with another person. We kept hearing the familiar chirping coming from somewhere.

 

"That's coming from that guy's house, right? Not ours?" I asked. 

 

"Pretty sure . . . " Dan said.

 

We haven't tested the new alarms either because we're traumatized.

 

"I don't want to hear that sound again yet," Dan said.

 

 

 

The other night, I spilled some pizza sauce in the oven, and smoke wafted out as I opened the door. I closed it immediately.

 

“Dan, what do I do? I don't want to set off the smoke alarms!”

 

“Guess we’ll test them out now,” he said.

We ran the exhaust fan above the stove and took the pizza out.

 

For a moment, we froze, thinking we heard chirping from the other room, but nothing came of it. Apparently, we’re hearing phantom smoke alarm sounds now.

Our smoke alarm fail is not something I am proud of. I am fully aware that it could have been less quirky adventure and more tragedy. Please don't try this at (your) home.

For the latest blog updates, visit and "like" Rebecca Turner-Duggan.