Mrs. Duggan the Glasses Wearing Hipster

Wearing glasses is a big deal in elementary school. Maybe I should rephrase that. Going from not wearing glasses to wearing glasses is a big deal in elementary school.

I am qualified to make this statement because a) I work in an elementary school and b) I have been wearing my glasses at work for three days.

I normally wear contacts. I see better with contacts. My glasses are heavy even though I have the special sci-fi lens that's not supposed to be heavy. All lies. My glasses are heavy.

I have REALLY BAD eyesight, and I absolutely cannot see without corrective lenses. (P.S. Don't suggest Lasik. I'm not a candidate. Besides, I'm super cute in my heavy sci-fi lens glasses.)

I have anxiety about being in some natural disaster or plane crash on a desert island and not having access to powerful enough glasses or contacts. I wouldn't make it twenty-four hours on the TV show Lost. Those wimpy glasses they found for Sawyer . . .

Last year around May, after mountain biking in the Boise Foothills and practically bathing my eyes in pollen, I scratched my cornea. I wore my glasses for a week and fielded a bazillion questions from six-year-olds about my eyesight history.

This week (I am seeing a pattern emerge in May), I got a stye in my eye. I self-diagnosed my stye because Google said I could. (Also, I have had one before.)

The day before I wore my glasses, the students pointed out the obvious . . . with some disgust.

"Your eye is pink!" one of my fifth graders exclaimed. "And it looks like there is a bump on it."

I didn't think it was that noticeable, but it seemed like I was frightening the children. Plus, it was painful by that time. I took my contacts out.

The next day, the questions began.

"When did you get glasses?" the kids asked.

"Second grade," I told them.

(Flashback to standing in front of my fifth grade class at a new school and hearing the kids whisper, "Her glasses are soooo thick!")

The conversation with my second graders was the most entertaining though.

"Why are you wearing glasses?"

"Her contacts ran out."

"Contacts don’t run out."

"Yes, they do."

"You could get laser surgery."

"Take off your glasses, Mrs. Duggan. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"I can't see you at all," I told them. "You are one big blob."

"Come on! Just guess."

"Are you holding up fingers?" I asked.

I also teach music at the district preschool once a week, but I got less reactions than I expected from that age group. I thought they might cry, but most of them didn’t even mention it.

At the end of the day, one little boy called out to me, as his class trailed down the hall, "Miss Becky, is that you?"

But that was it from the preschoolers.

My husband, Dan, does occasionally call me "Four Eyes" when I wear my glasses. Mostly, he just says I look like Lisa Loeb, especially when I play my guitar.

With my guitar after the great cornea scratch last May

"I listened to Juliana Hatfield tonight in honor of wearing my glasses," I told Dan when I came home from rehearsal Thursday night.

"Juliana Hatfield doesn’t wear glasses."

"I know, but I didn’t have any Lisa Loeb on my phone."

Channeling my inner '90s singer-songwriter diva

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